


The Council Of Badass Grandpas

by GoofyGoldenGirl



Category: Ben 10 Series, Doctor Who, Gravity Falls, Loki: Agent of Asgard, Rick and Morty
Genre: Advice, Alcohol, Arguing, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Council, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Drunkenness, Explicit Language, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Gen, Guns, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Insults, Old Men, Rick is an Asshole, Whiskey - Freeform, meetings, rick is his own warning, self aware characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:25:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5024725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoofyGoldenGirl/pseuds/GoofyGoldenGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>What happens if you put a drunk scientist, a pair of twins, an intergalatic crime fighter, a madman with a box, and a norse god in the same room? <strong>This</strong> </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Council Of Badass Grandpas

**Author's Note:**

> _Rick's drunken ranting does not reflect the opinions of the author_

Rick slammed his bottle of whiskey on the table, nearly pushing off the ten other empty bottles that covered it.

"Al-alright. This council is in session," he slurred.

"Just who the hell you think you are! Zapping me here to your stupid council!" Stan Pines shouted as he leaned to grab the scientist. His twin brother Ford pulled him back.

"Stan I can explain--" Ford started.

"Let go of me! You're probably in cahoots with him!" Stan shoved Ford off of him.

"Rick are you _drunk?_ " Max Tennyson asked.

"Nah Man--Max--Mad, I'm like not drunk at all," Rick held the bottle up to take another sip. The contents sloshed down the front of his shirt. "Want some?"

"Is it really necessary to hold this council _now?_ " The Twelfth Doctor sighed. 

"Relax Doc, everything is taken care of," Rick hiccuped. "I set the controls on your box thing to shut down temporarily."

"You did _what_ to my TARDIS!" The Doctor angrily exclaimed.

"Your system is like so easy to hack. I can't believe you're still using Delta one for security. It's like so super outdated. You Time Lords think you're the shit but man you really need to step up your game."

Rick belched. Droplets of spit hung out of his mouth. He sucked them back in before continuing. 

"So who wants to go first?"

"With all due respect Rick, now's not the time to have some sort of impromptu therapy session! The apocalypse will hit my dimension in exactly 2.2 hours!" Ford said. 

"It can wait Fordy, that ol' buddy of yours is all talk," Rick waved his hand. He picked up one of the empty bottles to check if it still had whiskey in it.

"This isn't a game Rick! Bill is a serious threat!"

"Bill a _threat?_ Have some perspective Fordy, the Nightmare realm is five tiers below the literal Hell sphere. They'll do anything to get their hypothetical cock sucked. Including getting their actual hypothetical cock sucked by twenty something year olds who have like absolutely no sexual experience and will do anything in the name of science."

"Goddammit Rick no one was supposed to know that!" Ford's cheeks turned red. 

"You _actually_ lost your virginity and you didn't even _tell_ me!" Stan shouted at his brother. 

"Oh trust me, you don't wanna _know_ half of details of like what they did. Like I'm into kinky shit but _damn_ " Rick whistled.

"We weren't a _thing!_ " Ford objected. "We were just _friends."_

"No homo my _ass!_ Two buddies hooking up every other day is _exactly_ what I call a thing!" Rick shot back. "Now shut up! We've got better things to talk about than your past escapades."

He took another swig from the whiskey bottle.

"Listen Rick, Ford's right. I've got an out of line grandson on my hands," Max said.

"I completely agree with him. I have my own issues," Twelve added.

"What? Everyone is on the verge of catastrophe all the time bro. T-t-take a look around you Doc! They're going through the apocalypse, and he's," Rick pointed at Max. "He's like going through show runner crisis. I mean like honestly that must be like the worst. I mean like you gotta a whole bunch of riled up kiddos screaming for Dwayne and screaming at Derrick."

"Dwayne? Derrick?" Max asked. 

"Ah who cares cause in the end it doesn't matter who's the top boss, it's all the same shit! They'll hate you anyway! Then why not just pull the trigger? But noooo, you're too scared. They don't want you to. Why not just stick around a bit longer? Well that's _bullshit_!" Rick slammed his hand on the table, making everyone jolt. "Better off dead than crawling in your own steaming pile of shit! Ha!" 

"I'm sorry Rick, but I have no idea what you are talking about," Max said. 

"This guy knows how to talk," Stan grinned, impressed by his creativity with the word _shit_. "I like him."

"You are making no sense and this is coming from someone who makes absolutely no sense," The Doctor said.

_"God is dead! And no one cares_ ," Rick drunkenly sang at the top of his lungs. " _If there is a hell. I'll see you there!_ "

He strummed an imaginary guitar.

"Whoooo! Nine Inch Nails forever baby! Man you guys gotta check him out like he's the real deal. He's the shit man!"

"I prefer The Beatles," Twelve said.

"No one asked you grouchy pants! And when I mean pants I mean _your_ pants." Rick exclaimed. 

"Stop with the name calling. We're grown men," The Doctor shot back.

"Says the eternal man- child."

"I am not a man child!" The Doctor held up a finger which unfortunately wasn't the middle one.

"I don't think I've seen anyone in the multiverse who is as emotionally stunted as you," Rick sipped from the bottle. "Like I'm a dick. I know I'm a huge dick. But--" He burped. "You're like so in denial about your dickness that it's scary. Like you try to cover it up by being The Motherfucking Doctor, but I-I wouldn't wanna spend more than five minutes with you. Like, you're like a walking sign that says _Spend Time With Me And Die_ And if you don't die you like become super sociopathic. I mean look at that Cara-Clara-Clarie? She-she's like a mini you."

The Doctor buried his face in his hands. Max placed a hand on his shoulder and whispered something in a low voice. Rick reached into his lab coat and pulled out his flask.

"Rick that's enough!" Max piped up. "The Doctor's been going through a hard time and you are really hurting his feelings!"

"Well I think he needs to fucking hear this!" Rick took a sip from the flask. "Well if you want me to lighten up then I got another message: do us all a favor and make up your mind on who you wanna do the timey wimey with."

He poured the contents of the flask into the whiskey bottle and gave it a shake.

"And take a vacation," he sniffed the top of the bottle before drinking. "May-maybe to a beach place with booze. I'd even lend ya Morty so those cyber-da-lence things won't catch ya."

"No thank you," The Doctor grumbled.

Rick spun around in his seat.

"Now 'bout that grandkid of yours," he pointed his bottle at Max. 

"What about him?" Max asked.

"You--you-you needed advice right?" Rick licked around the top of the bottle.

"I'll pass."

"No man, I like know exactly what you're going through. Teenagers are the absolute worst."

"What? My grandniece and nephew are nearly thirteen and they're great kids," Stan said.

"Ri-right," Rick rolled his eyes. "Wait a few years Muscles you'll regret you ever said it. Teenagers are just whiny, horny, insecure pieces of shit. I'm like not saying this because I'm a baby boomer, it's because I was once a whiny, horny, insecure piece of shit."

"We'll mine's a good kid too," Max added. "It's just that--"

"So what if the kid wants to get bitches and wreck shit? Let him!" Rick interrupted. 

"He's my _grandson!_ " Max protested.

"I let mine do the same and he's perfectly--hip! Fine. Except he can't get laid for _shit._ Give it a few months, the kid will crawl back to you with his tail--or whatever in between his legs. That's the trick with kids. They like to feel grown up until shit hits the fan. But if ya really wanna supervise and all that jazz get him a partner. Make it somewhat older than him but not too much. That way if he does get into crap you like have zero blame."

"Well I had been thinking of teaming Ben up with--"

"Just do it!" Rick shouted. "Do I have to go all Shia LaBeouf on you? Just _do it!_ How many more words of wisdom do I have to impart on you suckers? Oh yeah I forgot-- Stan, before you die: tell the kids that you're their grandpapa. It will like make the fanbase scream."

"Wait a second! How did you know that I had a kid! And-and grandkids! I kept that a secret!" Stan shouted. "You _told_ him?" He turned towards his brother. 

"I didn't tell him anything!" Ford exclaimed. "I swear!"

"You swear and swear and swear. But you're nothing more than a big fat liar!" Stan pushed Ford. Ford pushed him back. Stan curled his fist up, ready to give Ford a blow when Max and The Doctor got in the middle and pulled them apart.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Keep your sibling rivalry outta this!" Rick waved his bottle about. "What are you like _seventy?_ It makes your stupid twelve year old grandkids look like intelligent beings."

"What?" The twins stopped and turned angrily towards Rick.

"You two listen! Now look; I don't go as low as to suck a demon's dick. And even if you do stoop that low, you make sure that they suck _your_ dick, so you gain the upper hand. But it's really just simple math. Ford you def knows what I'm talking about 'cause--"

Suddenly the room shook. The sound of rapid machine gun fire filled the air as holes pierced the metal doors.

"What the--"

A black boot pushed through one of the larger holes. Another old man dressed in a green medieval styled suit, wearing a heavy white fur coat, and a big-ass gold horn headpiece stepped in. 

"Surprise bitch!" King Loki exclaimed, bazooka in tow. "Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!"

"Loki!" Rick had not expected this guest. 

"Loki?" Ford and Max looked at each other, confused. 

"Geesh! Who's this freak?" Stan exclaimed.

"I am Loki of Asgard, and I am bur--oh wait no that's the other me," King Loki said. He blew on his bazooka, sending a giant cloud of soot into the air. Everyone coughed.

"Jesus Christ Horns you know how to make an entrance," Rick muttered. "Take a seat."

"Well can you at least put your gun outside?" The Doctor exasperatedly asked. 

"You really want to part me from my baby?" King Loki hugged his gun. "A weapon is a man's best friend."

"Shut up Doc! I'm the one in freaking charge here!" Rick yelled. "My council! My rules! We don't want him Sleeping Beautying everyone!"

"But he--"

"No butts! Now shut your goddamn mouth before I shut it myself!"

Rick drained the last of the alcohol in the bottle. King Loki set his bazooka on the table with a thud. The empty bottles fell to the floor with a crash. He got into his seat and kicked up his legs to rest on the table.

"These chairs are extraordinarily comfy," King Loki leaned back into his chair. Stan reached out to touch the bazooka but stopped when he noticed that Loki was watching him.

"So Loki. Long time no see," Rick said. "What is up my man?"

He got another bottle of whiskey from the box under the table.

"My plans have been compromised," King Loki said.

"Compromised? Ey that sucks," Rick opened the bottle and started to drink.

"I had tried to make my younger self see reason and then he exploded all over the apartment."

"Harsh," Rick said.

"And then I find that time has been shifted and it appears that the world is going to end. Well there goes all of my plans for taking over Asgard."

"Secret Wars man. They just don't know when to stop don't they? I mean when are they gonna realize that no one gives five shits about any fucking event."

"Secret Wars?" Loki asked.

"Ah you'll be dead, it-it won't matter. It won't matter except for all the fans they piss off. But I mean like, everyone is pissed off about everything nowadays it's like unbelievable. It works for people like us Horns, but for like ninety-nine precent of the population to like constantly go through the cycle of negativity about shit that doesn't matter, it's like sad. You all are sad!" Rick pointed at each man in the room. "You are all sad!" He pointed out the window on the far left side.

"I just wish I had a backup plan," Loki sighed.

"Hey man, hypothetically speaking get in on the fun. If you're gonna go out, go out with a bang!" Rick waved his hand about.

"Like say…starting another Ragnarok?" Loki chose his wording carefully. 

"Yeah! Exactly what I mean," Rick started to chug more whiskey.

"That is a great idea Rick. I'll be sure to thank you later," Loki evilly grinned.

"What! No! No! No! _No!"_ Rick spat out his drink. "That was hypothetical statement you asshole! If those fuckers find out that I was behind another apocalypse, they'll be on my ass!"

"But Rick, it doesn't count if it's just advice," Loki pointed out.

"Yes it does! I'm not letting you do this again Horns!"

"Again? But I haven't destroyed anything yet."

"You've been saying that for the past thirty _years!_ "

"I promise you'll have no part--"

"You know what Loki? Go fuck yourself," Rick gripped his bottle.

" _Excuse me?"_ King Loki snarled.

"I said go **fuck** yourself!" He threw the bottle at Loki. It crashed against the wall and shattered into tiny pieces.

"Why you--"

"Yeah like you wouldn't fuck your alternate self in canon but hey in fanon the possibilities are endless!" Rick taunted.

King Loki got up, grabbed his bazooka and pointed it at Rick.

"Come on man I went easy on ya! I didn't pull out the hypothetical incest card! Which may or may not be hypothetical depending on who you talk to," Rick called out. "Y'all know what I mean?"

"That is **it!"** The Doctor banged his fist on the table. "I have **fucking** had it with you Rick!"

King Loki stopped mid step. The twins gasped. Max's eyes bulged.

"Woo-hoo! Finally! Your Malcolm is showing!" Rick cheered. 

"You are a fucking **asshole!"** The Doctor screamed. "Not just any ordinary asshole! You are an asshole that has been **sodomized** with a wooden club spiked with a thousand fucking nails that **smears** its shit everywhere! And if your intestines do not prolapse, I will personally **rip** them out and tie them into a fucking bow!"

"Round of applause! Round of applause for me! Come on it's not everyday that The Doc swears! Come on!" Rick had begun to clap.

"You think you're so funny? You think you're so fucking funny? You think it will be **funny** when I take this bottle and **shove** it down your **throat?"** The Doctor picked up one of the many whiskey bottles and tried to clobber Rick's head.

Max and Ford quickly took hold of Twelve. The Doctor squirmed about, inflicting all with his rage.

"Let me go you fucking sacks of shit!" The Doctor yelled at Max and Ford. "You don't fucking **touch** me! You don't deserve to touch me! I'm The Doctor! I'm the Doctor for fuck's sake! I'm the most powerful being in the universe. You don't fucking **touch** me!"

"Ooh this is definitely going on the internets," King Loki got his younger self's phone out and started to take a video of The Doctor's meltdown.

"Fight! Fight!" Stan shouted as he circled around the three. King Loki somehow pulled a bag of popcorn from his magic bag and started to eat. The Doctor continued to hurl insults and threats. 

Rick pulled out a gun from his lab coat.

"Don't you fucking move!" He shouted at Twelve.

"So you think ya gonna blow my fucking brains out sonny? I'm a Time Lord you dumb c--"

"This is for your own good!" Rick drowned out Twelve's ranting. "This is for everyone's own questionable good! I'm gonna wipe your memory of this meeting!"

"Oh good," Max sighed.

"No!" Stan exclaimed. "The fun just started! You can't end it now!"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'll see you all again!" Rick pressed the power up button on the memory wipe gun. "Anyway you won't even remember a thing," Rick pointed his gun at everyone in the room. He then cocked his head towards the window.

"Or will you?" He slyly winked at the unseen, unknown reader of the fic.

He pulled the trigger.


End file.
